"You don't get to stop living"

It's a phrase I had to use over the holidays.   It's a phrase I have to remember a lot.

My dad died on August 1st.  Worst day of my life.  Ever.  Honestly.  The phone call I received that day smothered me.  I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't speak.  I'd only been working at my new company for about 4 months and I didn't know these people but all I could do is scream "no no no no no".  I couldn't drive because I was shaking too much so my husband had to pick me up.

My dad went to bed and never woke up. 

Things run through my head all the time. 
What was it like for my mom?  Waking up, realizing that my dad, who is usually up at 3 am is still in bed at 6 or 7 am.
What if my husband doesn't wake up?
What if I don't wake up?

Other things also run through my head.
Thank god I saw them in July. 
Thank god they came to visit. 
Thank god we had such a good time.

I've processed things.  Its been a few months.  And it comes down to this:  Yes, it sucks.  It sucks so bad.  But, you don't get to stop living. 

I could stick my head in the ground and try to ignore life.  I spend every day crying about it.  I could become irresponsible and start slacking off at work, with my kids, in marriage or running our household.  Who wins then?  It won't make him come back.  In fact, he will most likely be looking down from heaven just planning his lecture that he is going to give me when I get up there. 

This is what I had to tell my brother.  He decided to choose another path.  He decided to use death as an excuse to fail - to shirk all responsibility for 5 months and put his head in the sand.  He failed the entire semester of college.  He didn't get up before 2 pm.  He didn't keep a steady job.  I'm so disappointed.  I'm also so mad.  While my mom, my sisters, and I continued to live life, he stopped. 

I hope after our talk he will be back on the right track.  You don't get to stop living just because dad did.